Sigh… I know its 9 april but don’t know which day it is. Last 8 days I just had one thinking in my mind… even when I dreamed in my sleep, I just saw this thing. It’s over now and suddenly I have nothing to do… silence after the big bang! Nothing was perfect but somehow it’s okay. There were hundreds of mistakes in the catalog, the website still incomplete, there was no dhaki (folk drummer) and so the rally was almost silent. The food was readymade, not that much tasty. Lot of problems in the management but I don’t know why many of my friends thanked for the effort. Most of the senior said it was superb. Teachers said they even didn’t imagine that much could be happened in such short time… it’s like a milestone. I am happy because I myself even didn’t expect that much. There was hundreds of crisis, obstacles… but now nothing seems impossible. Well, I wanted to publish a post and let my readers know about the exhibition. But I am sorry, I didn’t get the time.


I’ve learnt few things:
1. work let you forget everything, even it’ll let you forget yourself.
2. you should have a ‘rhino skin’ if you are a part of the management of an event.
3. duniya shokter vokto, noromer jom
4. sobai to amra amrai. Doshe-gune achi, thaki na kichudin…

09.04.08, 23:55

As far I know I should have some particular way of expressing my emotions that will present me as an individual. I am not sure… do I have any? I am having some very bad feeling for some particular reason and I wanted to express those as my instinct says. I want to go somewhere that I even don’t know, I want to be so isolate and shed some tears and wash away what hurting me. But no way… my professionalism never allows doing so. I have lot of targets to fulfill, many schedules to meet. I am not that much big person but I already could find so many obstacles around me. Some say it’s my problem… I could break all those if I wish. Yes, I also think so and I desperately want to do so. But I don’t know… why I can’t…

Well, don’t feel pity for me. I think I’ve exaggerated my thinking a bit. But its true and I think many people in this materialistic life having such problem like me. It’s natural that my work should have the reflection of my mental condition. But it’s not practical if you work in a balance corporate environment. They maintain such a work flow where you’ll behave just like a machine… it doesn’t matter what you have in your mind. You are just a performer… performing your roll as the script says.

the dying city. photograph by dev

Yesterday we went to sonargaon museum and panam city. It was my first visit there and I was really curious about this old historical place. Panam city was the capital of this region once upon a time. There are still some old buildings of that time standing. The buildings seem something like dummy for a movie comparing today’s structure. The famous one is ‘rajbari’ (palace) which I think the biggest one still surviving. We went there with a hope to take some pictures of it. But the gate was close with a notice hanging there ‘it’s a industrial restricted place’. We surprised… what kind of industry! Then we asked some people around about it and they told us that the palace now owns someone who set up a tyres factory inside it! We tried to enter the place but they didn’t permit. When we were looking the other buildings we find us so poor, so illiterate nation. It seems no one care about these ‘useless’ buildings. We are loosing our history everyday.

all alone… photograph by dev


I got a fever from this morning… with a serious headache. So I canceled some of work schedule and staying home right now. But before came to home I went to idb to buy some dvds and watching movies all through the day. I just saw ‘into the wild’ and feeling some wild idea in my burning head. Well from the very childhood I am carrying a dream in my mind… one day I’ll run away from here and will be lost from my known world forever. The movie was exactly about this subject. So I was inspiring and finding all happiness just in being alone. A promising young graduate run away from home and went to Alaska and lived in a magic bus for more than hundred days. He found his life so happy and free. But at the end before he died he wrote just one sentence in his book ‘happiness only real when shared’. I also found too many ‘buts’ around me. ‘Nobody cares’ is a favorite quote to me and I also try to believe it… though it’s always not true actually. I find too many people who really care about me and I also do the same thing. Ooo… just I got a message from one of my friend ‘she is really pretty’. So I think I am not getting the chance to run away very soon.

22.03.08, 10:45 pm

I got the mark sheet of bfa final year exam yesterday which made me realize how bad student I am. I was never a good student and to be true I don’t have the quality to gain a brilliant academic result. But I always like to act as if I am a good student… how foolish I am! After getting the mark sheet, I went to the chairman of the examination to ask him about it. I was trembling and I didn’t find anything to say… I could remember my works that I did for the exam and realize how silly works these were! Sometime I loose my respect to my teachers when they failed teaches me to respect myself.

I am working with a corporate brochure for last several days… and I am feeling very bad that the work isn’t going well. I am thinking something and I could visualize it inside me but I can’t express it with my paper and pencil… It’s a very painful situation. I am thinking and thinking… thinking even in my sleep. I hope it’ll come to a conclusion but I don’t know when. May be soon I can show you something…

[ these two drawings are some sort of my thinking but very far from the real one… do you have any suggestion? ]

My concept about love has changed within last few months. It seems so easy, again more complicated than I’ve imagined. But it’s true that love made many things visible to me. I never find myself that much emotional before. I always kept a strategy ‘never tell the girl how you feel about her, just keep it inside you’. Well, I had some logics for such attitude which are not working now. Love let you pick colors from whatever you see, it makes you concern that when the moon gets the biggest shape, and it makes you feel that a rain drop isn’t just a water drop. Again it’ll let you find some pain that you might never felt… shed your tears no matter how tough person you are or even make the total life meaningless though you are very successful in your professional or academic life. Years back I saw a movie ‘enemy at the gate’ where the story was about two soldiers who fallen in love with a same girl. A war isn’t always a conflict between two nations. Love causes war too. If you don’t agree with me that means you have to fall in love very soon.


Nb: don’t take the ‘war’ part as a funny matter… its serious. You could find hundreds of example from the history of world. Even I could begin the world war iii for only the cause of love.

Ignorance is bless… I often find these words very true. As much we learn our life become more complicated. Sometime I dream such a life very far away from here, out of all modernity, with very basic knowledge to survive. I’d like to pass all of my life with the belief that the things I didn’t see are just alike I’ve imagined. I don’t want to discover anything; I don’t want to ‘break my heart’. But my ‘logic’, so called ‘knowledge’ doesn’t allow me to do that. It insists me to do so what I don’t want to do. Last 7 days I’ve passed almost 60% of time in front of computer. I’ve worked for money, to buy food, luxury. My prehistoric fathers who might didn’t have so much ‘knowledge’ that I keep now, did the same thing. But they were happier than me. They just thought about the world around the cave, the people whom they could see. The earth was cool, resourceful. Some people say we are more civilized now to have a better life. They talk about technology, science which brings some difference between the prehistoric and modern life. But it doesn’t make any sense to me. 10 years back when mobile phone was a dream to me, I had some strange feeling about it. Now though I am keeping such thing, still have the strange feeling about some other things. It’s endless… more I am getting, my demands also increasing with the same ratio. So I find myself miserable when I start thinking about this. Actually I am such a powerless animal which is rolling with the time to an indefinite destination…

[it’s one of my oldest post. first i’ve published it in my msn space a year back. it’s still one of my favorite writing.]


tomorrow is ‘pohela falgun’ - the 1st day of Spring… we called it ‘boshonto’ in Bangla. its one of the most colorful festival here. i don’t know why, but people use ‘yellow shades’ to represent the boshonto. girls wear yellow sharis, boys wear panjabi (i never do it, because it seems little funny to me)… mostly those boys and girls who are in an affair try to celebrate this day. it got a different meaning since last few years. 13 february is pohela falgun, 14 february is valentine day. so these two days became a synonyms for each other. we are a lucky nation…people around the world celebrate valentine day just for one day, but we celebrate it double day.