Sometime… actually very few moments I find myself so happy. It’s not like that the other times I am unhappy. But the point is that at some particular moment I could realize completeness of mine, a balance distribution of all my needs, so successful, so rich, and so lucky. The day before yesterday night it was drizzling and I was traveling by an open hood rickshaw. The weather was wonderful, the streets was blank… everything so calm, clean and comfortable. Suddenly I just realized ‘it’s the best time to die’! Completeness means an end of something. We like to live to fulfill some absences. So the feeling of some absences isn’t a bad thing actually. It could be inspiration, synonym of hope. So don’t feel sorry when you wake up middle of your sleep and check your cell and find nothing in missed call list or find yourself so alone at a Sunday evening. I should know the things I am thinking now aren’t so important in real life. Time doesn’t hear anything. It goes as it asked to go. We just are traveling with it…

#1: 1993, as far i remember this was my first picture that was taken in a studio. #2: 1995, i think this time was real wonderful time for me. #3: i was getting tall and thin…


There was a sudden difference in usual life just for few hours. After 3-4 months I went to my village to see my parents. There were some noticeable changes. The muddy thin way turned into a concrete black pitch way and motor vehicle took the place instead of the rickshaw. I was bit upset watching all these developments. Life needs some differences… I don’t want to see all the boring modernity everywhere. I’ve spent some hours there all alone… under the full moon, overflowing everything with the moonlight and for the first time I realized the moon also has a ‘rise’ and ‘set’ time like the sun… when the sun sets in the west, at the same time the moon rises in the east. But I think it happens just for few certain days… I don’t know why. Well I got lot of time to think about myself… my past, present and future. I left my village 15 years back… I was just a homesick kid then. May be that was the actual beginning of the loop… I am moving around circles which are changing their diameter basing on the perspective of time. After 15 long years I found the same homesick kid just with a bit wider and more complex circle around him… is wishing whole heartedly to get back to the beginning… for a fresh start. But it’s impossible … he is in an own made loop which he possibly can’t break himself.

it’s a huge day. So the crowd is huge all around. I’ve started the day bit different than usual. The weather is too harsh… but it could be even worse if there weren’t few drops of rain last night. I found myself so stupid in the very first day of the year. Then I tried to start it usual way. I went to charukala… my own world. But it seemed everything mocking to me, which I couldn’t stand anymore. So I came back home, turn on the tv, watching a documentary about fishing. Then sat in front my pc and found some work to do and I’ve started feeling good. Machine doesn’t lie actually…

13:45, Monday

As far I know I should have some particular way of expressing my emotions that will present me as an individual. I am not sure… do I have any? I am having some very bad feeling for some particular reason and I wanted to express those as my instinct says. I want to go somewhere that I even don’t know, I want to be so isolate and shed some tears and wash away what hurting me. But no way… my professionalism never allows doing so. I have lot of targets to fulfill, many schedules to meet. I am not that much big person but I already could find so many obstacles around me. Some say it’s my problem… I could break all those if I wish. Yes, I also think so and I desperately want to do so. But I don’t know… why I can’t…

Well, don’t feel pity for me. I think I’ve exaggerated my thinking a bit. But its true and I think many people in this materialistic life having such problem like me. It’s natural that my work should have the reflection of my mental condition. But it’s not practical if you work in a balance corporate environment. They maintain such a work flow where you’ll behave just like a machine… it doesn’t matter what you have in your mind. You are just a performer… performing your roll as the script says.

the dying city. photograph by dev

Yesterday we went to sonargaon museum and panam city. It was my first visit there and I was really curious about this old historical place. Panam city was the capital of this region once upon a time. There are still some old buildings of that time standing. The buildings seem something like dummy for a movie comparing today’s structure. The famous one is ‘rajbari’ (palace) which I think the biggest one still surviving. We went there with a hope to take some pictures of it. But the gate was close with a notice hanging there ‘it’s a industrial restricted place’. We surprised… what kind of industry! Then we asked some people around about it and they told us that the palace now owns someone who set up a tyres factory inside it! We tried to enter the place but they didn’t permit. When we were looking the other buildings we find us so poor, so illiterate nation. It seems no one care about these ‘useless’ buildings. We are loosing our history everyday.

all alone… photograph by dev


I got a fever from this morning… with a serious headache. So I canceled some of work schedule and staying home right now. But before came to home I went to idb to buy some dvds and watching movies all through the day. I just saw ‘into the wild’ and feeling some wild idea in my burning head. Well from the very childhood I am carrying a dream in my mind… one day I’ll run away from here and will be lost from my known world forever. The movie was exactly about this subject. So I was inspiring and finding all happiness just in being alone. A promising young graduate run away from home and went to Alaska and lived in a magic bus for more than hundred days. He found his life so happy and free. But at the end before he died he wrote just one sentence in his book ‘happiness only real when shared’. I also found too many ‘buts’ around me. ‘Nobody cares’ is a favorite quote to me and I also try to believe it… though it’s always not true actually. I find too many people who really care about me and I also do the same thing. Ooo… just I got a message from one of my friend ‘she is really pretty’. So I think I am not getting the chance to run away very soon.

22.03.08, 10:45 pm

I am working with a corporate brochure for last several days… and I am feeling very bad that the work isn’t going well. I am thinking something and I could visualize it inside me but I can’t express it with my paper and pencil… It’s a very painful situation. I am thinking and thinking… thinking even in my sleep. I hope it’ll come to a conclusion but I don’t know when. May be soon I can show you something…

[ these two drawings are some sort of my thinking but very far from the real one… do you have any suggestion? ]

My concept about love has changed within last few months. It seems so easy, again more complicated than I’ve imagined. But it’s true that love made many things visible to me. I never find myself that much emotional before. I always kept a strategy ‘never tell the girl how you feel about her, just keep it inside you’. Well, I had some logics for such attitude which are not working now. Love let you pick colors from whatever you see, it makes you concern that when the moon gets the biggest shape, and it makes you feel that a rain drop isn’t just a water drop. Again it’ll let you find some pain that you might never felt… shed your tears no matter how tough person you are or even make the total life meaningless though you are very successful in your professional or academic life. Years back I saw a movie ‘enemy at the gate’ where the story was about two soldiers who fallen in love with a same girl. A war isn’t always a conflict between two nations. Love causes war too. If you don’t agree with me that means you have to fall in love very soon.


Nb: don’t take the ‘war’ part as a funny matter… its serious. You could find hundreds of example from the history of world. Even I could begin the world war iii for only the cause of love.

Ignorance is bless… I often find these words very true. As much we learn our life become more complicated. Sometime I dream such a life very far away from here, out of all modernity, with very basic knowledge to survive. I’d like to pass all of my life with the belief that the things I didn’t see are just alike I’ve imagined. I don’t want to discover anything; I don’t want to ‘break my heart’. But my ‘logic’, so called ‘knowledge’ doesn’t allow me to do that. It insists me to do so what I don’t want to do. Last 7 days I’ve passed almost 60% of time in front of computer. I’ve worked for money, to buy food, luxury. My prehistoric fathers who might didn’t have so much ‘knowledge’ that I keep now, did the same thing. But they were happier than me. They just thought about the world around the cave, the people whom they could see. The earth was cool, resourceful. Some people say we are more civilized now to have a better life. They talk about technology, science which brings some difference between the prehistoric and modern life. But it doesn’t make any sense to me. 10 years back when mobile phone was a dream to me, I had some strange feeling about it. Now though I am keeping such thing, still have the strange feeling about some other things. It’s endless… more I am getting, my demands also increasing with the same ratio. So I find myself miserable when I start thinking about this. Actually I am such a powerless animal which is rolling with the time to an indefinite destination…