sometime we need to burst into tears… the sorrows needed to spring out. but very few lucky person can make it. who can guarantee the happiness? its too relative… you can’t be sure. you can’t say you’ll be happy or sorry only for your own reasons… i don’t know how people could make such ‘perfect’ music. i am listening ‘maresias’ of dj robert miles in a loop… its so perfect for this moment. its taking me somewhere i don’t know… making me feel i am alone… thats happiness! i have some really very important work to do but can’t concentrate. the reasons are so silly but heart breaking. i need to burst…

Sometime we should stay just alone… inside a cave if possible, to realize or to think or just only give us a space. These days I am passing too much time just inside my room… watching my watched favorite movies again and again, whispering with myself, sometime drawing, sleeping, taking notes from movie, book; writing words… meaningful, meaningless both; talking over phone, feeling happy… sometime worst. I was just watching a movie ‘a walk to remember’… i took few notes from this movie

love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful nor conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It doesn’t take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sin… but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope… and endure whatever comes.

I am not so good to understand all it says, but I liked it. I don’t know actually what I am thinking now. It’s the another good thing of being alone… you can keep your mind blank for minutes, hours… you can pass the time just think about nothing. In life there happen something which is ‘like the wind, i can’t see it but feel it’. Ha ha ha…

Tuesday 03:02 am

sometime actually most of the time when I work, I feel myself so lucky that I have the opportunity to work (one thing should be clear: here work means which will bring you some money, food or fame or some other materialistic benefits). Leisure is good but it’s a really awful when you don’t have anything to do for a long time. So let us discuss how to make opportunities to work and definitely I’ll talk here from the perspective of a graphic designer.


1. Most importantly you need a job… no matter how much they are paying you. You need a platform to learn and show your talent.
2. It’s my belief that in this universe very few people are extra ordinary talented… real creative and definitely I am not among them. So when I work I never try to do any extra ordinary thing… don’t think that this work is going to be a milestone… I just try to understand what the client wants to say, I try to imagine a visual which ten other ordinary people also able to do. It always helps to reduce the pressure of the work.
3. Don’t be silent… share your ideas with your friends, colleagues… even sometime with the rickshaw pullers. It’ll help you to expand your work scope.
4. Patience is too important for a designer… there is no alternative. So keep practicing typography lot… it’ll help you to increase your skill and patience both.
5. Don’t give up any scope of work unless you are in a huge pressure. Sometime work just as volunteer… it helps building reputation.


Ha ha ha… so clever and wise writing! Did I ever follow any of these? I know you have your own way of working. Just keep the faith on you… you’ll be the part of the next history…

Sometime… actually very few moments I find myself so happy. It’s not like that the other times I am unhappy. But the point is that at some particular moment I could realize completeness of mine, a balance distribution of all my needs, so successful, so rich, and so lucky. The day before yesterday night it was drizzling and I was traveling by an open hood rickshaw. The weather was wonderful, the streets was blank… everything so calm, clean and comfortable. Suddenly I just realized ‘it’s the best time to die’! Completeness means an end of something. We like to live to fulfill some absences. So the feeling of some absences isn’t a bad thing actually. It could be inspiration, synonym of hope. So don’t feel sorry when you wake up middle of your sleep and check your cell and find nothing in missed call list or find yourself so alone at a Sunday evening. I should know the things I am thinking now aren’t so important in real life. Time doesn’t hear anything. It goes as it asked to go. We just are traveling with it…

#1: 1993, as far i remember this was my first picture that was taken in a studio. #2: 1995, i think this time was real wonderful time for me. #3: i was getting tall and thin…


There was a sudden difference in usual life just for few hours. After 3-4 months I went to my village to see my parents. There were some noticeable changes. The muddy thin way turned into a concrete black pitch way and motor vehicle took the place instead of the rickshaw. I was bit upset watching all these developments. Life needs some differences… I don’t want to see all the boring modernity everywhere. I’ve spent some hours there all alone… under the full moon, overflowing everything with the moonlight and for the first time I realized the moon also has a ‘rise’ and ‘set’ time like the sun… when the sun sets in the west, at the same time the moon rises in the east. But I think it happens just for few certain days… I don’t know why. Well I got lot of time to think about myself… my past, present and future. I left my village 15 years back… I was just a homesick kid then. May be that was the actual beginning of the loop… I am moving around circles which are changing their diameter basing on the perspective of time. After 15 long years I found the same homesick kid just with a bit wider and more complex circle around him… is wishing whole heartedly to get back to the beginning… for a fresh start. But it’s impossible … he is in an own made loop which he possibly can’t break himself.

it’s a huge day. So the crowd is huge all around. I’ve started the day bit different than usual. The weather is too harsh… but it could be even worse if there weren’t few drops of rain last night. I found myself so stupid in the very first day of the year. Then I tried to start it usual way. I went to charukala… my own world. But it seemed everything mocking to me, which I couldn’t stand anymore. So I came back home, turn on the tv, watching a documentary about fishing. Then sat in front my pc and found some work to do and I’ve started feeling good. Machine doesn’t lie actually…

13:45, Monday

As far I know I should have some particular way of expressing my emotions that will present me as an individual. I am not sure… do I have any? I am having some very bad feeling for some particular reason and I wanted to express those as my instinct says. I want to go somewhere that I even don’t know, I want to be so isolate and shed some tears and wash away what hurting me. But no way… my professionalism never allows doing so. I have lot of targets to fulfill, many schedules to meet. I am not that much big person but I already could find so many obstacles around me. Some say it’s my problem… I could break all those if I wish. Yes, I also think so and I desperately want to do so. But I don’t know… why I can’t…

Well, don’t feel pity for me. I think I’ve exaggerated my thinking a bit. But its true and I think many people in this materialistic life having such problem like me. It’s natural that my work should have the reflection of my mental condition. But it’s not practical if you work in a balance corporate environment. They maintain such a work flow where you’ll behave just like a machine… it doesn’t matter what you have in your mind. You are just a performer… performing your roll as the script says.

all alone… photograph by dev


I got a fever from this morning… with a serious headache. So I canceled some of work schedule and staying home right now. But before came to home I went to idb to buy some dvds and watching movies all through the day. I just saw ‘into the wild’ and feeling some wild idea in my burning head. Well from the very childhood I am carrying a dream in my mind… one day I’ll run away from here and will be lost from my known world forever. The movie was exactly about this subject. So I was inspiring and finding all happiness just in being alone. A promising young graduate run away from home and went to Alaska and lived in a magic bus for more than hundred days. He found his life so happy and free. But at the end before he died he wrote just one sentence in his book ‘happiness only real when shared’. I also found too many ‘buts’ around me. ‘Nobody cares’ is a favorite quote to me and I also try to believe it… though it’s always not true actually. I find too many people who really care about me and I also do the same thing. Ooo… just I got a message from one of my friend ‘she is really pretty’. So I think I am not getting the chance to run away very soon.

22.03.08, 10:45 pm

I got the mark sheet of bfa final year exam yesterday which made me realize how bad student I am. I was never a good student and to be true I don’t have the quality to gain a brilliant academic result. But I always like to act as if I am a good student… how foolish I am! After getting the mark sheet, I went to the chairman of the examination to ask him about it. I was trembling and I didn’t find anything to say… I could remember my works that I did for the exam and realize how silly works these were! Sometime I loose my respect to my teachers when they failed teaches me to respect myself.